My Insomnia, My Worst Enemy

It’s only been an hour. How much longer? 3 am. There’s still a change for me to get some sleep. Or is there?

It’s the fucking boredom for me

As I’m laying for the third hour in my bed, restlessly changing sides, I get really bored. Actually started listening to audiobooks and podcasts in the night so I don’t go insane. But they end so quickly. I have to look for new ones every couple of weeks.

Insomnia is always so romanticized in movies. You watch this montage of main character’s sleepless nights when they’re turning and thinking and getting up in the middle of the night — a montage that lasts only a minute. But imagine going through it night by night, hour by hour, second by second. Tick, tock, tick, tock.

It’s the anxiety for me

All my thoughts being as free as a bird, flying around my head and attacking occasionally. Hey, and when you were drunk three years ago and made kinda mean comment to your friend’s friend? Oh, and what about that time five years ago when you wanted to make a joke and nobody laughed?

These above are the easy ones. They’re simple to just shake off of my head. The hard ones are the ones that ask me about my future. And my presence, actually. How will I afford the taxes? What should I do with my life? Are the steps I’m taking right now enough?

It’s the uncertainty for me

I literally can’t make any plans for the next day or else I won’t sleep. If there’s something I need to do at, let’s say, 9:30 am — I’ll wake up at 2am, fall asleep at 6 am and then not be able to get out of bed.

I have to make time for some nap during the day or else I’m like a fucking zombie. My life has to revolve around squeezing in some sleep.

It’s the golden advices for me

Every person has something to say about my insomnia. List of the things I should or shouldn’t do is getting longer with every conversation.

Take melatonin. Don’t take these meds, take those ones. Use essential oils, but remember to put in lavender. Get some workout, but only in the morning. Stop using your phone after 8 pm or get the blue light glasses. Eat fruits only in the morning, don’t drink tea, take a hot bath before sleep.

Hey, you know what? Take this innovative, life-changing advice to the Nobel Prize jury.

It’s the loneliness for me

Even though I have my boyfriend laying next to me, I’m all alone at nights. I can’t wake him up every time I’m having problem sleeping. My dog is sleeping on the floor, if I get out of bed, I’d have to take her out for a walk.

Sleepless hours at night are really lonesome. It’s only you, your thoughts, your memories and plans. This red light blinking in the hallway. The person going up the stairs at 4 am. Drunk teenagers screaming outside the window. Sun slowly rising.

It’s the anger for me

When it happens again, even though I’m taking my meds as prescribed, I can feel the rage rising inside. I mean, I’m a big sleep lover, always have been and always will be. So to lose my sleepy, cosy time at night is making me furious.

No more getting relaxed in the evening. No more happiness when covering myself up. No more drifting off to sleep, slowly, but steadily. No more getting up in the morning, feeling rested and ready for another day.

It’s the no getting out for me

I know that finally my doc can get the meds right. But sleeping isn’t supposed to be such a hustle, it should be as easy as breathing. Hopefully I’ll be able to sleep by myself soon. Or ever.

Hopefully.